I love dating, but …
Here are the 10 things I hate about it!
- The 30 minutes before the date. What time shall I leave, I can’t be the first one there. Where can I park? Oh the anxiety.
- The initial meet. Do you go in for a hug and a kiss on the cheek, or is it more of a handshake jobbie? What if I go in for a hug and he goes for a handshake and subsequently loses his hand in my somewhat un-toned stomach?! Just like something out of a freaking horror film!…. .
- Eye contact. Suddenly I’m freaking queen on staring contests, constantly reminding myself to blink so that he doesn’t think I’m some creepy unblinking weirdo. I’m just a weirdo, thank you very much. .
- How to sit. He sits first, there is a seat opposite and a seat next to him. Where the heck am I supposed to sit? Where does he want me to sit? Why am I just standing gawping at the chairs? Why am I sweating? Oh my god, I’ve forgotten how to sit.
- A toilet break, for me. We’ve been sitting sipping our drinks and/or eating our meal, talking for 45 minutes, I didn’t pee before I left home and now I need a wee. But what if I go and there is a line, or I go and my nerves prevent my from peeing straight away and I’m in there too long? What if he thinks I’m pooping?! What if he’s gone when I come out? I’ll just hold it and try not to look pained, like I’ll just pretend my bladder isn’t about to burst.….. .
- A toilet break, for him. He’s been gone a long time, what if he’s left? Should I leave? Ok, no his coat is still here. Is he pooping? I hope he washes his hands. What if he doesn’t and he tries to touch me? Ew, how rude. I should go, a guy that doesn’t wash his hands after he pees is not for me. Maybe he’s left his jacket as a sacrifice to get away from me? Oh wait, he’s coming back, I’ll stay……. .
- The speed at which I drink. As I don’t drink alcohol during the week, or on first dates, I often opt for a lemonade, regardless of what my date drinks. But I am the slowest fizz drinker ever. I’m 1/3 of my way through my first drink and he’s downed his entire pint. Do I offer to buy another drink? I’ll never manage a second, but he clearly will. Is he just going to sit and watch me take baby sips of my lemonade? This is super awkward. .…..
- Winding down the date. I have no idea the optimum time for a date, but when I think its going well, I panic about holding my date up. Like I don’t know anyone who voluntarily wants to spend 2+ hours with me, ‘getting to know me’ I’m boring AF. But how do I wind the date down without them thinking I’m not interested? I’m totes interested if its gone on longer than an hour. .…..
- The Walk. We’ve both got to get home, 99% of the time, I’ve driven so need to walk to the car park. Like is he going to walk with me? My car is disgusting and needs a wash, will that make a difference to how the date has gone? Why am I walking so slowly? Please don’t make me speed up, these shoes were not made for walking.
- The Goodbye and after. Is he interested, is he not? Like I am no good at reading signs. Is this awkward linger a good sign, or a bad sign? Is it a sign at all? Is this leading to another date? Or is he going in the ‘Nope’ column? Am I in his nope column? How long ago did he put me in the nope column? I’m going to ring my bestie and give her a detailed replay of the date. Perhaps she’s got some insight. She may as well have come along and observed the whole damn thing. Will he text me? Should I text him? What is the protocol?