‘Filling the Gap’ as my mum calls it.
I never used to believe that I could be on my own. I’d relied on a man to give me purpose and had no idea how to make it alone.
When I got up the courage to leave my boyfriend of 2.5 years, I sat him down, told him I wasn’t happy and that was that. Or so I thought, I got home and panic set in, I was alone. I had no one (well looking back now, I know I had family and friends, but like I said I was a drama queen in my earlier years). We split up at 7pm, and by 11pm I was on the phone to him, begging for forgiveness.
He granted me the forgiveness I was so desperate for and we carried on as if nothing had ever happened. For 3 whole months. I should have realised that the thing that was making me unhappy wasn’t going to change. I hated myself for prolonging the inevitable break up, but I couldn’t face the world alone.
When I finally grew a pair and left him, it was a full 72 hours before I started dating someone else. Who turned out to be a huge mistake, but hey ho, you live and you learn.
That next relationship solidified my fear that I couldn’t cope on my own. He tore me down bit by bit, making me completely dependent on him. So when he did his first disappearing act, I jumped straight on tinder and POF to find someone to maintain my taken relationship status. When my ‘boyfriend’ (very loose term) reappeared I didn’t question anything and just slipped back into the abusive mundane relationship. But as far as I was concerned, all was right in the world because I was part of a couple.
This disappearing, reappearing pattern continued for a year before he left for good.
I literally trawled the internet, looking for anyone to step into his place to stop me being alone. Which initially is how this blog started, I was so desperate to find a partner that I practically dated anything that asked.
All that has changed now; I’m rather selective with who I date, some might say that’s a bad thing, that beggars can’t be choosers, but you know what, I’ll be as picky as I damn well please and the lucky bloke that earns himself the status of my Boyfriend should thank his lucky stars!
I’m definitely not that big headed, whoever I enter a committed relationship with will be just as lucky to have me, as I am to have him.