I have no talent


26 things I can’t do

…or can’t do well.


  1. Sing – it’s pretty much worse than a bag of strangled cats.
  2. Play a musical instrument – I couldn’t even manage 3 blind mice on the recorder for goodness sakes.
  3. Draw – unless wonky stick figures count?
  4. Speak a foreign language – tried to teach myself Italian, learned “I’m hungry” and gave up… that’s all I need to know to get by, right? Ciao Bella
  5. Gymnastics – there are no words to describe my ability, just zero coordination.
  6. Style my hair – unless dragged through a hedge backwards is a style?
  7. Play Netball – god knows I tried. All the popular girls played Netball so I tried my damnedest, but no, I wasn’t meant to be popular at school.
  8. Act – I’m about as wooden as a plank, with as much personality.
  9. Bake macaroons – I refuse to eat them now because my inability to bake them has turned them bitter in my eyes.
  10. Boogie board – I look as ridiculous as the activity name sounds.
  11. Bake bread – nope, just nope. Unless by bread you mean slab of bread coloured rock?
  12. Speak in public – formulate sentences, I can’t. Unintelligent Yoda, I become.
  13. Juggle – this only leads to disappointment and bruises.
  14. Aerobics – left is right and right is left, until right is right and left is wrong and I’ve accidently punched the person on my left in the eye.
  15. Ice Skate – totes not advisable to put me on a pair of skates and expect me not to injure myself.
  16. Knit – knit one, pearl two, knit one, drop one, pearl two, knit two, pearl one drop four. Why is my scarf a triangle?
  17. Apply Falsies – half hanging off, half blinded by eyelash glue… catwalk, I’m ready for you.
  18. Contour – 13 year olds with perfectly contoured cheek bones can do one. I’m just over here with what looks like a dirty face.
  19. Self-Tan – in case anyone asks, Tangerine was the colour I was going for…ok?!
  20. Match my eyebrows – Sisters, not twins, well mine were clearly adopted.
  21. Magic – not Wizard magic, regular magic tricks. The only thing I can make disappear is my pride, and friends, and food. #Fatty
  22. Gardening – just call me killer. No matter how hard I try plants don’t last. I think they’d sooner kill themselves than have me look after them.
  23. Sew – who wants an even hemline anyway?
  24. Hurdle – heck, I can’t even overcome hurdles in my head, let alone when they’re solid, metal and coming at me at speed.
  25. Haggling – the only damn person you’ll meet that pays more for something after haggling.
  26. Dance – Arms flailing, feet shuffling. Just because I can’t dance, doesn’t mean I won’t. One day I might treat you to a video of me throwing some shapes!


But I can laugh, smile and be happy!


I want to appreciate and celebrate our inabilities, they are what make us human after all. I’d love for you to share some of the things you can’t do, or can’t do well. It might make me feel a little better in my own failings!




Nicole x


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