Past Verses Future

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I’ve surprised myself over the last few months, I thought I would really struggle being single. I thought I would become one of those desperate girls, who can’t function without a man by her side confirming her worth. Its only now, actually embracing the single title, that I realise how independent  I am.  I have also realised that I was pretty much single for the last 6 months of my last relationship, but that’s neither here nor there.

In this journey of self-discovery (I suppose you could call it that!) I’ve learned a lot of things about relationships. I suppose actually being in my own company and realising what I had to give up previously in relationships has allowed me to reach somewhat of an epiphany.  I was in an abusive relationship.

I’m not talking about black eyes and busted lips. I’m talking about an emotional abusive relationship. I gave up so much of myself, that I became a recluse when he wasn’t around. At the time, I managed to convince myself that it was my decision to stop going to the gym, and to stop going out with friends. I stopped making plans of any sort just in case he would call me and tell me he wanted to see me. I was hanging on his every word. In short, I worshipped him. In my innocent eyes, he could do no wrong, and every disagreement we had, every time he cancelled on me, every time he hung up or refused my call, I assumed I was in the wrong, and I bent over backwards to apologise. He would compare me to awful things, tell me I was a horrible person, make me question whether anyone would ever love me. For a time, I convinced myself he was my only chance for a happily ever after.  I am not ashamed to admit, he broke me, my confidence, my opinion of self-worth, the joys in life, they all vanished. Then I woke up, I realised this was wrong and I ended it.

I am so grateful for this time that I have on my own, to reflect on the past and build a better future. It took him half a year to break me. Its take me that long to build myself back up to 50% of the person I was before I met him, but in that time I have developed from the negatives and pushed myself to be better.  I’ve used his negativity to show me what I don’t want in life. I’ve become more positive, happier, and I’ve been able to enjoy life again.

I’m not going to lie, there are times where I’m sitting at home, with a glass of wine, watching a film, and I think to myself ‘I wish I had someone to share this with’ then I remember, having someone to share a cuddle on the sofa, watching a film, also means I have to share my wine and chocolate! I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of commitment! Thats when I realise I’m much better off on my own, for now.

There are also times where I hear things through friends about what he’s doing with his life, and that can pull at my heart strings. For example, I heard the other day that he is planning a summer holiday, to my favourite destination, the holiday he promised me for months and months, and he’s taking his new girlfriend.  Its difficult to remain positive when you hear things like that, but I just remember the arguments and the nastiness and then I realise, I couldn’t cope with a week in a foreign country with him, Good Luck to his new girlie. I hope she’s got thick skin!

I know this has been a little different  from what I usually write, but I just wanted to say that it is perfectly normal for an ex to still have a small effect on you, they were a big part of your life, and now they are gone, but it is important to remember to take lessons from every time your heart twinges for them, think how much better, happier, freer you are without them. Life is for living, and you can’t live if you’re stuck on the past.

Love

Single in South Essex

xoxo

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