Mr Dirty Talk.


So I went on a few dates with this guy, I have to admit, the first date was the best first date I’d ever been on. The conversation flowed naturally, we laughed, we got to know each other, and we had a cheeky kiss.

He text me the following day asking if I’d like to see him again that evening. Now for me, that’s a bit too much too soon, considering I’d gone from a relationship where seeing each other once every other week was normal, for a guy to suddenly want to see me 2 days in a row was just bizarre, and borderline suffocating. But against my better judgement, I agreed to meet him for drinks that evening. Again, we laughed, chatted and had a few snogs. (side note – snog might not be the right word, he pretty much tried to devour my face.)

This pattern continued for a few weeks, he wanted to see me all the time. Now I’ve got a rule, 3 proper dates, we’re talking dinners, nice bars, cinema or something substantial, that takes a bit of thought, before I even consider nookie! I’m a classy bird, a glass of wine at a cheap bar does not count as a proper date. 2 weeks later, he’d wanted to see me almost every day. Now bearing in mind, I have commitments during the week, I have friends, I have the gym, I have a life away from this guy I’ve known 5 minutes, shockingly enough!

So when he finally had taken me on enough dates to warrant VIP entrance to my noonie, I invited him to mine for dinner and a film, one thing lead to another and then bam, the most disappointing 30 seconds of my life.

When he wasn’t on top of me, poking me everywhere except for my fairy, he was slobbering on my cheek and asking me how much I liked his penis inside me.

I mean, really? Do girls like that? I certainly don’t. It puts you in an awkward situation, what do you say? Ooh yes, I love the way you’re battering my thigh, that bruise will remind me of this night for weeks, or, Yes babe, I like it when you try and penetrate my urethra, really turns me on.

So Mr Sexpert, the man who told me repeatedly how good he was in bed, was either so deluded that he actually believed it, or had the most polite former partners in the history of the world. Either way, he was definitely not invited back again, no matter how well you get on in public, you may not be compatible in bed.

Don’t get the wrong idea of me, I wouldn’t have stopped seeing him if the sex just wasn’t good, it’s the fact that everytime I looked at him after that night, all I could see was his panting red face, and all I could here was his poor attempt at dirt talk.

So that was Goodbye Mr Dirty talk, good luck to your next victim.


Single in South Essex



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